Author Topic: Quest for worst joke 2  (Read 47240 times)

jason

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Quest for worst joke 2
« on: November 19, 2003, 06:47:49 PM »
 Mat says:

Police have raided Michael Jackson's home again today, they found Class A drugs in the kitchen, Class B drugs in the bathroom, and Class 4c in the bedroom.
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SweetCheeks*uca*

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Quest for worst joke 2
« Reply #1 on: November 19, 2003, 07:15:13 PM »
 Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of lads who ended up sinking it.

He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his Brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the supermarket.
 A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no!

Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water.

She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.

Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four lads looking for a good time.
I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway.
The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."
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The old woman fainted.

SweetCheeks*uca*

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Quest for worst joke 2
« Reply #2 on: November 19, 2003, 07:19:33 PM »
 Cybersex

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cybersex. Then again, maybe he does...

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from WalMart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner... it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK.
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you... umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my... you know... thing... in your... you know... woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: (logged off)



 :lol:   :lol:   :lol:   :lol:   :lol:  

Davebloke

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Quest for worst joke 2
« Reply #3 on: November 21, 2003, 04:13:49 PM »
 
|)This is Snowshoe rabbit ('s cnut!). Copy it and this attached message into your signature to help it on its quest for world domination.

xmerlin

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« Reply #4 on: November 22, 2003, 11:51:11 AM »
 First Christmas Joke of the Year :

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the
pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said you may pass
through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man
with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols?"  
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« Reply #5 on: November 22, 2003, 03:24:25 PM »
 That has got to win the worse joke ever ever EVER  :o

<--  Is a Carol  :unsure:  

SweetCheeks*uca*

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Quest for worst joke 2
« Reply #6 on: November 22, 2003, 03:25:20 PM »
 Whoops cleared my cookies - that was me   :D  

Davebloke

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Quest for worst joke 2
« Reply #7 on: November 22, 2003, 03:49:43 PM »
 we have a winner, close the thread, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CLOSE IT
|)This is Snowshoe rabbit ('s cnut!). Copy it and this attached message into your signature to help it on its quest for world domination.

jason

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Quest for worst joke 2
« Reply #8 on: November 22, 2003, 04:13:23 PM »
 noooooo

must
live
on
 
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gamecat

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« Reply #9 on: November 22, 2003, 04:21:28 PM »
 Yeah, there's nearly enough for a book  :D  LANSE crap joke edition one soon to hit your shelves.
But i agree that the Xmas joke takes the prize.

Yo_Sushi

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Quest for worst joke 2
« Reply #10 on: November 22, 2003, 07:07:16 PM »
 puhlease that was actually pretty good, read the thread formthe first there are some real shockers
Aah at last a self portrait that depicts who I am, where I'm from, and my passing interest in falconry


Bluey

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Quest for worst joke 2
« Reply #11 on: November 24, 2003, 08:29:46 AM »
 Following on from an earlier post Michael Jackson

They also found a load of Disney films that haven't been returned to
the video shop in his cupboard. Apparently Michael always likes to get
Aladdin.

Jacko's wife has just given birth to a baby boy. "How long before we
start having sex?" asks Michael. Doctor: "I'd wait until he's at least 14"

Good to see Jacko dangling his kid off the balcony..usually he just
tosses them off.

What does Jackson have in common with whisky?
They both come in small tots

What does Michael hand round after dinner?
The under-eights

What does Jacko have in common with a Big Mac?
They're both old meat between young buns

How do kids at Neverland know when it's bedtime?
When the big hand touches the little hand.

What did the woman on the beach say to Michael?
"Excuse me, but you're in my son"

Where's Michael going on holiday?
He's off to Tampa with the kids.

Davebloke

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Quest for worst joke 2
« Reply #12 on: November 24, 2003, 09:15:26 AM »
 MUWAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA @ BLUEY'S Jokes! :D
|)This is Snowshoe rabbit ('s cnut!). Copy it and this attached message into your signature to help it on its quest for world domination.

jason

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« Reply #13 on: November 24, 2003, 09:17:35 AM »
 LOLOL
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gamecat

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« Reply #14 on: November 24, 2003, 01:53:54 PM »
 Brillliant, you forgot the difference between him and a tescos shopping bag.
One's plastic and dangerous to children, the other you carry your shopping home in.

Here's one that I thought was very funny, not quite the right thread but hey ho.

George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the
President, I'm thinking of changing how my country is referred to,
and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom"

The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have
to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?",

to which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to
be a Prince - and you're not a Prince ".

Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire
then?" The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies " Look Bush, to
be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an
Emperor."

Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think
you're doing quite nicely as a Country"