Author Topic: Quest for the worst ever joke  (Read 63121 times)

Tuxpoo

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Quest for the worst ever joke
« on: August 30, 2001, 11:11:40 PM »
                    Necromancer mailed me an awful joke.
It was really   bad !
This has inspired me...
I have a challenge....

Find the worst joke ever!

I will give necromance the privilige of posting his joke here.
we can all score it......                    
reakfast like a king. Lunch like a God. Dinner like an emperor. Snack like a megalomaniac.

jason

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Quest for the worst ever joke
« Reply #1 on: August 31, 2001, 10:07:35 AM »
                    This one isn't that bad really. . .
Subject:  Drying Out !!

John and David were both patients in a  Mental Hospital.  One day while they were walking past the hospital  swimming pool, John suddenly dived in to the deep end. He sunk to the  bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in to save him. He swam  to the  bottom and pulled John out. When the medical director became  aware of David's heroic act he immediately ordered David to be discharged  from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally  stable.

When the director went to tell David the news he said, "David, I have good news & bad news.

The good news is you're being  discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of  another patient, I think you've regained your senses.

The bad news  is, John, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the  bathroom."

David replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."                    
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Tuxpoo

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Quest for the worst ever joke
« Reply #2 on: August 31, 2001, 03:59:00 PM »
                    this ones terrible.......

I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time.

It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out. For years, he refused... told me I was crazy.

But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4" shorter than his right.

A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans.

"So," I said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg."

He just looked at me and said, ... "I stand corrected."                    
reakfast like a king. Lunch like a God. Dinner like an emperor. Snack like a megalomaniac.

Phiebs

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Quest for the worst ever joke
« Reply #3 on: September 02, 2001, 02:44:59 PM »
                    OK - here's one :P - not that bad though...

A man walks into the docors with a green lump growing out of one of his ears.
He asks the doctor what it is and if he should be worried about it.
The doctor replies saying that it is a growing Lettuce.
The man, obviously quite distraught, asks the docter if it will get worse.
THe doctor immidiatly replies saying, sorry mate, this is only the tip of the iceberg!!!!

haha!

(BTW for all you un-cultured n00Bs, an Iceberg is a type of lettuce :P)                    

Viper

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Quest for the worst ever joke
« Reply #4 on: September 04, 2001, 03:59:56 PM »
                    I'll be seeing most of you at the next gaming event. Thought I'd post a joke for all the Male Chauvenists out there.

> A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the
> following:
>
> 1 bar of soap
> 1 toothbrush
> 1 tube of toothpaste
> 1 Loaf of bread
> 1 pint of milk
> 1 apple
> 1 banana
> 1 orange
> 1 plum
> 1 peach
> 1 grapefruit
> 1 tomato
> 1 lettuce
> 1 cabbage
> 1 kraft single
> 1 samoosa
> 1 muesli bar
> 1 pie
> 1 single frozen dinner
> 1 single frozen pizza
>
> The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says,
> "Single, huh?".
>
> The girl smiles sheepishly and replies,'How'd you
> guess?'.
>
>
>
>
> He says, 'Because you're ugly.'.                    
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jason

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Quest for the worst ever joke
« Reply #5 on: September 17, 2001, 11:21:23 AM »
                    A penguin is driving through Melbourne on a hot summer's day when he
notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it's
leaking oil all over the road.

The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and
asks the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic says he has a few
others to look at first but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the
penguin what is wrong with his car.



The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He finds an ice cream
shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice-cream will really hit the spot
since he's a penguin and its Melbourne in the summer, after all.

He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream. Of
course the poor bastard has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he
is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth - a total
mess. He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic,


"Did you find out what is wrong with my car?"

The mechanic replies,

"It looks like you've blown a seal."

"No no," says the penguin. "It's just ice cream."                    
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Quest for the worst ever joke
« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2002, 11:56:16 AM »
                    That one is also Laim. I think you would find alot of the

jokes are laim cause its not really what the joke is. its

more of how you tell it. i have heard some real crap

ones in my time but right this second i am really kicking

my self in the ass to think of one of them.

(The laim ones i do know i would not even wast your time with)    have a good one see you all at the lance.                    

Phiebs

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Quest for the worst ever joke
« Reply #7 on: January 22, 2002, 04:19:35 PM »
                    Were you pished when you wrote that mike?

Look - 'laim' is spelled LAME.

And for gods sake -   have a good one see you all at the lance.

lol!

I got a joke....

A bloke is about to tell an irish joke in a bar, when this big fat irish bloke stood up and says,

'HEY, I'm Irish!'

so the bloke telling the joke replies:

'Oh, OK - I'll tell it slow then!'

Hahahahaha

(Not that funny)

(Hope I didnt offend anyone :P)                    

Viper

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Quest for the worst ever joke
« Reply #8 on: January 23, 2002, 01:44:00 PM »
                    I'm really sorry about this one but you did say "The Worst Joke" this is old and bad


A blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful, so she left a note
for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a  mistake.

He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the  door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman  said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 15  gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

"I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my  bathtub up with  milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked," Pasteurised?"

and the blonde said.......

"No. Just up to my t*ts."                    
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jason

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Quest for the worst ever joke
« Reply #9 on: January 23, 2002, 08:15:22 PM »
                    aaarrrgggghhh save me from the madness!

Knock knock
(who's there)
Bigish
(bigish who) - say it
No thank you!                    
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Quest for the worst ever joke
« Reply #10 on: October 22, 2002, 12:38:14 PM »
                    OK,
after watching Alan Partridge last night this is fresh in my mind:

Alan's tip
"When giving a speech start with this old icebreaker.
Say you have just been to the toilet and someone has written
'I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure'.
They'll be in the palm of your hand."

OR
 
Q: Why was the near-sighted fly starving?
A: He couldn't see sh*t.  

Terrible.
Sorry.                    

Viper

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The Magic Frog
« Reply #11 on: October 28, 2002, 03:49:17 PM »
                    Once there was a rabbit and a bear living in a forest. One day, they went out for a walk and came across a magical golden frog. The frog told them that he will grant them three wishes each, which got the rabbit and the bear very excited.

The bear proceeded to tell the frog his first request. He said, "I wish that all the bears in this forest were female, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.

Then it was the rabbit's turn and he said, "I wish for a racing bike helmet." POOF! His wish was granted.

The bear hesitated, thought for a moment and then said, "I wish all the bears in the neighboring forests were female too, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.

The rabbit already knew what he wanted, and uttered, "I wish for a motorcycle." POOF! His wish was granted.

The frog broke in and said, "Now hurry up, I must be on my way. And, may I add, choose your last wish carefully!!"

The bear said, "Alright, I know my last wish. I wish all the bears in the world were female, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.

The rabbit thought for a while, put on his helmet, and got on his motorcycle. A smirk appeared on his face as he revved the motor and shouted, "I wish the bear was gay." Poof! And the rabbit rode off.                    
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Viper

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Service
« Reply #12 on: October 28, 2002, 03:58:56 PM »
                    At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." The act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the terms Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Civil Service, Service Stations... And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows. SHAZAM!!

It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us...                    
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Viper

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Blonde Bank Robbers
« Reply #13 on: October 28, 2002, 04:07:26 PM »
                    Two blondes, Trisha and Robin decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Trisha plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Robin, in great detail.
The robbery begins. Trisha drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Robin, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan.

You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," said Robin.

Robin goes in the bank while Trisha waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes . . .

Two minutes pass . . .

Seven minutes pass . . . and Trisha is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Robin. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Trisha says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"

Robin said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," said Trish. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"                    
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Viper

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Betting Lady
« Reply #14 on: October 28, 2002, 04:17:05 PM »
                    A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing the bundles of $1000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the bank's secretary to obtain an appointment for the lady.
The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she would like to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her where she came into such a large amount of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked.

"No." she answered.

"Was it from playing the stock market?"

"No." she replied.

He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little old lady could possibly come into $3 million. "I bet." she stated.

"You bet?" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?"

"No." she replied, "I bet people."

Seeing his confusion, she explained that she justs bets different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning, your balls will be square."

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, the bank president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference; he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be a good day; how often do you get handed $25,000 for doing nothing.

At 10:00 o'clock sharp, the little old lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he inquired as to the man's purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved. "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"

"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I am the same as I've always been only $25,000 richer."

The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" he inquired.

"Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning that I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."                    
WoW Characters
Viper - lvl 70 Hunter - Main
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___________________________________________________________
- AMD Athlon 64 4000 San Diego (Socket 939) Dual DDR400 CPU
- Asus A8N-SLi Premium nForce4 SLi Dual Channel PCI-Express Motherboard
- GeIL 2GB (2x1GB) DDR PC3200 CAS2.5 Dual Channel Kit
- 300GB Western Digital Caviar SE16 16mb cache SATA-2 Hard Drive
- 2 x Leadtek GeForce 7800 GT 256MB DDR3 PCI-Express Graphics Cards (SLi Configured)
- Pioneer DVR-110BK 16 x 16 DVD